so i did it, i ...

QUIT! that's right, i quit my job. well i don't know if you can actually call it quitting seeing as i was only there for 36 hours and i never even signed any paper work, but sure enough, i'm done! the story is crazy, but here a brief run down of what happened after my last post. so after my first day, i was having doubts and feeling lonely, but i can handle feeling lonely. that night i left camp to go get something to eat and get on the wifi. i came back for bed and the second i got to camp i was overwhelmed with a sense of unsafeness. that probably isn't even a word, but that's what i felt. i went to my cabin, turned on all the lights, locked the doors, and started to read my Bible out loud and pray outloud. i layed there, trying to sleep all night long. i would sometimes drift off, but never for long. i would also sometimes feel so overwhelmed by darkness that i would just start praying out loud. the next day i was tired, emotional, and shaken, but not ready to give up because i just assumed that this was first week jitters. i talked to a few friends for some encouragment and went to work. work went fine... the job itself wasn't exactly what they made it sound like on the phone but i think i would have liked it. plus the kids were great. i absolutely loved the kids, and they could tell... so they loved me right back :-) i miss that, i miss reall working directly with young people. what a blessing they are. after work i went back to my cabin and i had decided i was going to stay here for the night because i needed to get over this fear of being at camp thing... i mean, this was going to be home for the next 11 months. i went to my room and starting playing some good Christian music :-), turned on the lights, and started reading my Bible, hoping that would help. i soon got a call from a friend and was even sooner crying hysterically on the phone. this friend was such an encouragement, prayed with me, but also encouraged me to be open to the possibility of quitting. this was hard for me to hear because i've never quit anything in my life! i am not a quitter, plus i had felt so sure that this was where God had me, so how do i even consider quitting? well after that phone call i got another phone call from my "mom" back at horn creek. she again was such an encouragement but as we continued to talk the tears began to flow again and i told her the whole story about how i was feelings. she was really honest with me and just said that she felt like the Lord wanted her to share with me that i have the freedom to say no and leave. she didn't want to persuade me to make a decision but she made it really clear that she thought i should probably leave and soon. i then called my dad to talk things through with him. he said that he felt creeped out the second we stepped onto the camp and that is why he had asked me to come home that weekend. he said he thought i needed to get off the camp now and come home right then. i wasn't ready to say that. i wasn't ready to give up still, but i was definitely getting more and more creeped out about being there. so i decided i would go look into going to jessie's house for the night to think and then go back in the morning and talk to my supervisor. well i got another phone call shortly after that from another friend who after hearing me cry and share what i was feeling she very strongly said i needed to leave and now. i needed to get out of that place as soon as possible. as she was talking i felt overwhelmed by this sense of evilness and as she prayed for me on the phone i began to shake and get sick. i put the phone on speaker phone because i knew that whatever was in this place needed to hear her praying. the more she prayed the more the physical symptoms went away. after i got off the phone with her i knew, i knew i had to leave. there was something at this place that i could not be around. so i went to jessie's house for the night. what a blessing to have her come home that night and be willing to let me stay with her! once again, i didn't sleep at all, my mind was a mess. i was back and forth all night between should i quit? should i not live on camp but keep the job? if i quit, where do i go and what do i do? i literally spent most of the night on my face, seeking the Lord. by the morning i knew what i had to do. so i went to the camp and told them this wasn't a good fit for me. i packed my stuff and drove back to my dad's. as soon as i got home, i fell asleep for the first time in 3 days. i'm guessing that i made the right decision if i had enough peace to sleep once i left!
this was far from an easy decision for me though. i felt like i was giving up, and maybe the Lord wanted me to persevere through tough experiences. how could i come all this way just to quit a job 2 days in? was i overreacting? was i just being emotional? so many questions. but yesterday, the Lord brought countless people to me or phone calls, affirming that this was the right decision. i feel at peace about that decision
but that also means i am right back where i began of not knowing what to do or where to go.
did God bring me here so i would consider living in wisconsin again?? i also got an offer today for a job in colorado that just opened up. was i brought here because i otherwise would have already been locked into a job in montana by now and would have been unable to take this job? i'm not sure.
so back to seeking the Lord in utter dependence. man, what a time of learning tough lessons this has been! i'm so thankful for these lessons, but i'm definitely ready to be done with them :-)
i'm just so thankful that God was strong with me to get me out of that place. i'm not sure what would have happened had i stayed, but i don't think it would have been good.
but we definitely serve a good God.