firsts...

i have had lots of firsts this week...

first time driving a stick shift car in a city with stop lights, and lots of them for that matter. i only stalled twice, not bad!

first cup of coffee. okay, i didn't drink the whole cup, but i drank parts of three different kinds of coffee.

first time for being stuffed in a duluth bag and carried around the house.

first time carving a pumpkin

i love firsts, they are always so much more enjoyable.

except for maybe first days of work. today was my first day of work at my new job and i just hate that feeling of not know people, and getting tons of directions and not really undestanding anything, and looking around knowing that there are things you should be doing, but not sure what to do. that's one first, i'm not a big fan of.

making the most of it.

as fall comes fully in, everything around changes colors and then dies. my life on the other hands seems to be just beginning in so many ways.
i finally feel like i am confident of my purpose in being here, right now.
i am here to get to know my Lord and to spend time with my family. that's it.
as soon as i was willing to say that that is why i am here and to offer all others parts of my life (jobs, friends, place to live, etc) to the Lord, He has blessed me tremendously.
my time with the Lord has been sweet.
time with my family has been fun.
i have made some great friends through the camp i've been working at and have so enjoyed getting to know them lately.
i got offered a job at a gear shop that will last until february and starts as soon as my camp jobs end. how perfect is that.
i just want to make the most of my time here.
part of that is enjoying the last of the beautiful weather and chances to be outside having adventures.
this last week included a hike around the lake, lots of disc golfing, star gazing, and even a late night canoe ride around the lake. so fun. these are some of my favorite memories since i have been home.
thanks God for your beauty, for new friendships, for time with family, and for new beginnings or at least new perspectives on life.

frustration or a blessing?

sometimes i find myself getting really frustrated that i never got to see Jesus as a human being, i never got to follow Him around and talk to Him face to face with all of my problems and questions. i was always thankful for the Spirit, but honestly i was a little perturbed that we didnt' get a physical version of God to spend time with...
... and then it hit me. if I were to ever be able to spend time with the physical nature of God, namely Jesus, i probably wouldn't get the time with Him that i wanted. i'm not the only person who would want to spend time with Him i am sure! and as a physical human being, he'd be limited in the same way we are. i probably would be even more frustrated that i only got to talk to Him for 20 seconds today7, and i didn't even get to tell Him my long laundry list of questions i need answered now! i don't want to fight over my Jesus' time. i want to have Him when i want Him. well, that's what we get with the Holy Spirit! the very being of God with us... all the time! no, He might not be a physical being, but He is even better than a physical being because we get to keep Him with us at all times! how cool is that! God is way smarter than i am :-) and i like it that way.

the house i will build

lately i have been having this vision for a house that i want to build. this is weird first of all to have a vision of a house for me, secondly, its weird because why would i want to build a house, and where would i build this house? there really isn't anywhere i'd call home enough to build a house. but there are also very few visions that i have that don't end up happening. so whether it happens or not... here's what my house would be like.

simple to say the least.
a single square, made of stone... pretty stone.
basically a one room with the exception of a small bathroom and a walkin closet.
large windows on the east and west side... like the whole wall would basically be a window.
you'd enter from the east side and to your right would be a sitting area with a fouton that would magically become my bed at night.
to the left as you enter would be a stone fireplace and some comfy chairs for reading and drinking hot tea.
in the back left would be an L shaped counter with the kitchen behind it and stools along one side of the L for a place to sit and eat.
to the right of the back would be the small bathroom and the walkin closet where i could keep all my crap when friends come over.
that's it.
pretty simple.
but for some reason i really want to build it! i don't know how to build anything! but i want it :-)

maybe this vision is more of a metaphor than an actual house. hmmmm. i'll have to ponder that as i fall asleep.

i think the newness and excitment of my new situation is definitely wearing off. life is still good, just not overwhelmingly good. okay, sometimes it just plugs along with no emtion at all.

i feel like i am in a very contemplative mood... really enjoying reading a lot lately... and fudgesicles.

i've been thinking a lot about world poverty.
but what does thinking do, if you don't act on that thinking.

it's been so weird to be living this life that i never would have chosen or thought i'd enjoy by any means, and to find so much unexplainable joy in the midst of it. i seriously have just been loving every day. who needs a full time job or a place to live???

then again maybe i do, seeing as my car has an unexpected repair. yikes a million! i hate money.

i just saw a father/son duo with matching hair cuts... short all the way around with longer, fluffy bangs. amazing.

random side note: i was watching one of those "extreme makeover" shows last night and they were talking about how this couple had gotten married so young, and how did they ever make it. they got married when they were 24! in the Christian bubble that's like way old! its funny how sometimes being 23 and single seems so old and then other times it seems so young. i guess it just depends upon your perspective.

do you ever have trouble with worship songs?

last night i was at a worship service and we were singing the song, i think by shane and shane that goes like this...

You said "Ask and you will receive" Whatever you need
You Said "Pray and I'll hear from heaven and I'll heal your land"
You said, Your glory will fill the earth like water to seas
You said "Lift up your eyes the harvest is here the kingdom is near"
You said ask and I'll give the nations to you Oh Lord, thats the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see your lightas it rises on us

man, i wish i could enjoy and fully believe this song, but honestly i have a hard time! my faith is weak when i comes to believing that God will give us the nations if we only ask. i find myself looking at my family, whom i have been praying for... for a really long time, and they have yet to find the Lord. so how can i believe He will give me the nations if He won't even give me my family?

then again, maybe wrestling with the Lord about these things while everyone else is singing is more worship as it should be than i can ever give by simply singing words.

is simplicity possible?

maybe its due to the nomadic type lifestyle i have been experiencing for the last 2 months, but the idea of simplicity has become very appealing to me. there is something so freeing about having little and needing little. and honestly, i feel like i need very little! for instace, although i have several suitcases full of other clothes, i have been living in and enjoying a select few that fit into the duffle bag i carry with me everywhere. so why do i even have those other bags full of clothes?? but the more i think about it, the more i get the feeling that simply because we live in america... simplicity is a lot harder to actually live by. we live in a place where, if you have a job, and don't live in a large city with public transportation, you will need a car. along with a car comes car insurance, maintenance, and gas costs. we also live in a country where health insurance is seen as mostly a must (although that is argued many a time between parents and their fresh from college children who think it isn't necessary). i mean, how many times have i actually used my health insurance? not once! and how much money have i spent on it... i don't want to think about that. but we live in a place where the "what if's" out weigh the "i think i'll be fine's". we also live in a place where just about everyone is in debt of some kind whether it be credit car, school, car, house, etc. i for one hate being in debt. being in debt means that i can't simply live to survive. i have to live to survive, PLUS pay for my previous life decisions. not that i think college was a poor choice, i rather think otherwise. but i hate mandatory monthly payments that i can't just give up when i want to like, if i were to decide i no longer wanted my cell phone. if i don't want to pay that bill, i simply give the phone back! but loans just hang over your head! so it started to cross my mind that maybe america is not for me. maybe i should go to africa, let america hunt me down for my loans, live in a hut, forage for my food, play in the dirt, and sleep. sounds great to me! minus the whole 13 kinds of posionous snakes thing... hmmm. why does safe living have to cost so much? why are we drawn to "safe" lives and the "american dream" and yet repulsed by it at the same time. i for one do want to feel safe. but i do NOT want to find that safety in the american dream.
i was reading recently about a group of people called freegans. this is how they personally define themselves: " freegans are people who employ alternative strategies for living based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. freegans embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed." that definition sounds great! it sounds like what i want, but the more i researched the more i figured out a few things. one, i am not nearly radical enough to be a freegan. i simply don't want to pay loans and health insurance and feel the pressure to have stuff. two, i also realized that although they are making a statement by their lifestyle, they are really not helping anyone. they are all very capable people who could be working and earning a living, instead taking food and help from people who could otherwise be helping the actually destitute. they are far from changing the world or helping others, they are simply trying to escape their own guilt. not that i think their way of living is wrong persay, i think there are many things we can actually learn from them.
so through all of this i have come to the conclusion that i am not meant to pack up and move to africa or become a freegan, but there are some things i want to do to start living more simply. here's my start of my new simplicity rules to live by:
1. any time i buy a new article of clothing, i have to give away an old one.
2. i want to buy locally as often as possible and take advantage of road side food stands, etc.
3. rather than renting movies at $4 a night, i want to rent books from the library... for free.
4. i am digging my bike out of storage tomorrow, and i am going to figure out how many of my daily commutes i can make by bike.
5. i am learning to be okay with staying on people's couches (not permanently please Lord!) and not always needing to have "my place" or "my space".
6. when i shop for food, i will only buy for the next few days. i often go overboard and end up throwing away food that went bad before i could eat it.
7. i am going to put as much extra money into my school loans to cut back on how much interest i will pay over the lifetime of the loans
8. i am going to stop using my credit card as a primary means of money. i've never not paid off my total balance, but its a bad habit that i need to stop before i do get into trouble.

that's the short list for now! we'll see how it goes.