time for a break

i think the hardest part about being where i am at is that life suddenly seems to be all about me. not that i am naturally an unselfish person by any means, but most of the time in relationships there is give and take, and honestly i am more comfortable with giving way more than i am taking. maybe that is just another one of the lessons that i have to learn, that sometimes we will each go through times when we are weak and low and we need others to surround us. its just hard! it's so great how wonderful my friends and family have been through this whole time. i am truly blessed beyond words, but it gets hard to know that when people call they just want to hear about me. i want to hear about them! i want to be strong and independent again so i can help others! i don't want conversations and even my own darn thoughts to be all about me.
i don't mean this is anyway to say that i am not thankful for the phone calls, visits, help, and encouragement. i wouldn't be able to make it without them. i can't put into words how incredibly grateful i am for everyone. it is just a new and hard place to be.
so my decision today... to take one day off of thinking about and praying for myself... i have enough people doing that for me :-) and i am going to go down to the lake and pray for others, write some letters, do the little things that i can to support and encourage others.
i think i need a break from me.

a cool picture

i was talking to a friend last night and he shared a story of something he had seen done at his chapel at college recently and i just thought it was a really cool picture, especially where i am at right now.
this guy walked onto the stage with a poster that had the title "my life plans" with a list of things underneath like... go to college, get married, get a job, make a difference, etc. on the bottom of the page was a big X with God's signature next to it. the only thing is that this was a forged signature. on the other side it said "God's plans for my life" and it was completely blank with an X on the bottom and the guys signature this time.
how true is that! how often do i make plans and put God's name on it. how often do i make decision in the name of the Lord's will when it really isn't. not that i think i do these things on purpose, but it is so easy to do! instead, we just need to realize that God has plans... often times that look very blank, but that if we sign our lives over to Him, we are much better off.
food for thought.

so i did it, i ...

QUIT! that's right, i quit my job. well i don't know if you can actually call it quitting seeing as i was only there for 36 hours and i never even signed any paper work, but sure enough, i'm done! the story is crazy, but here a brief run down of what happened after my last post. so after my first day, i was having doubts and feeling lonely, but i can handle feeling lonely. that night i left camp to go get something to eat and get on the wifi. i came back for bed and the second i got to camp i was overwhelmed with a sense of unsafeness. that probably isn't even a word, but that's what i felt. i went to my cabin, turned on all the lights, locked the doors, and started to read my Bible out loud and pray outloud. i layed there, trying to sleep all night long. i would sometimes drift off, but never for long. i would also sometimes feel so overwhelmed by darkness that i would just start praying out loud. the next day i was tired, emotional, and shaken, but not ready to give up because i just assumed that this was first week jitters. i talked to a few friends for some encouragment and went to work. work went fine... the job itself wasn't exactly what they made it sound like on the phone but i think i would have liked it. plus the kids were great. i absolutely loved the kids, and they could tell... so they loved me right back :-) i miss that, i miss reall working directly with young people. what a blessing they are. after work i went back to my cabin and i had decided i was going to stay here for the night because i needed to get over this fear of being at camp thing... i mean, this was going to be home for the next 11 months. i went to my room and starting playing some good Christian music :-), turned on the lights, and started reading my Bible, hoping that would help. i soon got a call from a friend and was even sooner crying hysterically on the phone. this friend was such an encouragement, prayed with me, but also encouraged me to be open to the possibility of quitting. this was hard for me to hear because i've never quit anything in my life! i am not a quitter, plus i had felt so sure that this was where God had me, so how do i even consider quitting? well after that phone call i got another phone call from my "mom" back at horn creek. she again was such an encouragement but as we continued to talk the tears began to flow again and i told her the whole story about how i was feelings. she was really honest with me and just said that she felt like the Lord wanted her to share with me that i have the freedom to say no and leave. she didn't want to persuade me to make a decision but she made it really clear that she thought i should probably leave and soon. i then called my dad to talk things through with him. he said that he felt creeped out the second we stepped onto the camp and that is why he had asked me to come home that weekend. he said he thought i needed to get off the camp now and come home right then. i wasn't ready to say that. i wasn't ready to give up still, but i was definitely getting more and more creeped out about being there. so i decided i would go look into going to jessie's house for the night to think and then go back in the morning and talk to my supervisor. well i got another phone call shortly after that from another friend who after hearing me cry and share what i was feeling she very strongly said i needed to leave and now. i needed to get out of that place as soon as possible. as she was talking i felt overwhelmed by this sense of evilness and as she prayed for me on the phone i began to shake and get sick. i put the phone on speaker phone because i knew that whatever was in this place needed to hear her praying. the more she prayed the more the physical symptoms went away. after i got off the phone with her i knew, i knew i had to leave. there was something at this place that i could not be around. so i went to jessie's house for the night. what a blessing to have her come home that night and be willing to let me stay with her! once again, i didn't sleep at all, my mind was a mess. i was back and forth all night between should i quit? should i not live on camp but keep the job? if i quit, where do i go and what do i do? i literally spent most of the night on my face, seeking the Lord. by the morning i knew what i had to do. so i went to the camp and told them this wasn't a good fit for me. i packed my stuff and drove back to my dad's. as soon as i got home, i fell asleep for the first time in 3 days. i'm guessing that i made the right decision if i had enough peace to sleep once i left!
this was far from an easy decision for me though. i felt like i was giving up, and maybe the Lord wanted me to persevere through tough experiences. how could i come all this way just to quit a job 2 days in? was i overreacting? was i just being emotional? so many questions. but yesterday, the Lord brought countless people to me or phone calls, affirming that this was the right decision. i feel at peace about that decision
but that also means i am right back where i began of not knowing what to do or where to go.
did God bring me here so i would consider living in wisconsin again?? i also got an offer today for a job in colorado that just opened up. was i brought here because i otherwise would have already been locked into a job in montana by now and would have been unable to take this job? i'm not sure.
so back to seeking the Lord in utter dependence. man, what a time of learning tough lessons this has been! i'm so thankful for these lessons, but i'm definitely ready to be done with them :-)
i'm just so thankful that God was strong with me to get me out of that place. i'm not sure what would have happened had i stayed, but i don't think it would have been good.
but we definitely serve a good God.

am i really supposed to be here??

do you ever doubt you made the right decision? i think its so easy to do. that's where i am at right now. i am doubting that i should have moved back and taken this job. mainly because i get the feeling this won't be an easy 11 months. i was so at peace about this next move! i had so much confidence coming in, but in the first 3 days of being here, that confidence has vanished. i have really been trying to take some time and think through why i am doubting. is this feeling that i have fear because that's not from the Lord. or is it unrest because i'm not supposed to be here? through it all, i still get the feeling that i am where i am supposed to be. it just is scary to think about right now.
so i moved in to the camp on saturday. my family came with the see where i'd be living, but they didnt' get to see much. they showed me my temporay housing (apparently the key to my house is in florida with a staffer on vacation) and then my supervisor said she's see me on monday morning at 8:15. i looked at my dad and said, i was coming home for the weekend! i had met a few people, but no one really seemed intersted in even knowing my name, hopefully that will change in time. today was my first day of work and i think i am really going to like the job aspect. i got trained to drive a speed boat (which unfortunately meant driving it around for a few hours :-) and how to drive a golf cart. tough lessons huh? i also found out where i'll be living come friday and here was the kicker... i was informed that my roommate is a 35 year old guy. i'm really not so sure how i feel about living with a guy... just the 2 of us in a house. he's the one on vacation with the keys, so i won't meet him until friday and then i'll move in, just in time to head home for the weekend. there aren't very many staffers, and most live off camp. i really am going to need to find things to get involved in, especially with Christian community while i am here. i didn't think it would be so hard to switch from a Christian camp to a non-Christian camp, but it has been significant, especially these first few days! but here's something i am praying about. they are hoping to hire one more person because the girl they had hired back out a couple of days ago. how cool would it be if they hired a girl that i could really connect with, not to mention live with so its not just me and this random guy living there! who knows, maybe God will even bring along a really cool sister in the Lord too! so that's my prayer at this point. and that the Lord will be my constant companion and source of love and strength. i have a feeling i'll need all He can give me.

in the lull.

i feel like i am in a lull right now.
i just went from being in such a place of constant change, but wanting permanancy. i was traveling all over the place, living out of suitcase, living with different people every week or day. it was fun, but the whole time i wanted something that was mine. i wanted a job, a room, a place to call home. i wanted consistency and a washing machine for all the laundry piling up in my car.
and now i am in the lull.
i am waiting for that consistency, that job, that place to start. it will start on monday. sometimes i feel like it can't start soon enough and other times it is starting way too soon.
but for now there isn't a whole lot to do. i'm no longer looking for a job. i'm no longer traveling and moving and visiting. i'm sitting in my dad's house. not bored. enjoying the lack of things in all honesty. i don't even feel like calling anyone. i just feel like doing nothing. maybe that's a good thing. maybe i'ved been lulled to sleep. i don't really know. but i do know it won't last for long.
on monday the lull ends.
sometimes i think i thrive off of change. for instance, i am already thinking about what i will do when i am done with my job in wisconsin.
at the same time sometimes i think i thrive on consistency.
maybe i thrive on consistent change.
maybe i thrive in the lull.

these past few weeks i have been reading through hebrews and finding it so rewarding and challenging! do you ever read something so much that it almost loses its power. sometimes i feel like that is how the Bible is. i have read it so often that the words don't sink in as much as they should, i just kind of glaze over them. but for some reason, the words of hebrews have really come alive for me. there are a handful of verses in particular that i really stuck to and felt a connection to. one is hebrews 6:19 "we have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure." first in clarification, this verse is referring to the hope that we have in God's promises as his heirs and children, but more important i just love the picture that this gives. maybe its because i grew up living near a lake and spending a good amount of time out on boats that i connect with the picture of an anchor. but i love this! i love that the hope we have in Christ is the solid thing we can throw down to hold us in place in the midst of storms, gentle currents, tides, etc. what a strong and solid foundation He is! the second verse that really stuck my heart is hebrews 8:5 "... and moses was warned when he was about to build the tabernacle: see to it that you make everything according to the pattern shown you on the mountain." how often do i meet with the Lord in a mountain top experience where He shows me great things that He is asking me to do. and then, how often do you go down from the mountain top, back to the valleys of every day life and either tweak what He told me or dismiss it all together because of doubt, fear, or insecurity. when God asks for specifics, i need to give specifics! i think that is why God was so adamant about making the israelites write things down. he knew that we get off that mountain and we no longer want to, desire to, or believe in the very things He showed us while on the mountain. but if we write it down when it seems so real, we can come back to it time and time again as truth. i've heard it said that we need to remember in the dark what the Lord tells us in the light. what a good principle! the last passage i'll leave on today with is one of my personal favorites: hebrews 12:1-3 "therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entagles and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart."

my grandpa...

this is my grandpa. he is a really special man and as you can tell he is quite the goof ball. i love my grandpa and i think he has the best stories. i don't think many people take the time to listen to his stories, but i love them. i think that is why we have such a special relationship. he loves to tell his stories and i love to listen to them. but this story isn't from him, it's about him.

its been impressed upon me to write things down, to remember the God moments. i had a very cool and big God moment that involved my grandpa.

the summer before my freshman year of college i went on a retreat with some of my best friends. it was a silence/solitude/fasting retreat and it was hard! but so good. this retreat really brought me to a place where the only voice i was hearing was the Lord's. when we had finished our retreat and were heading home i was checking my voice messages and there were several from different family members and family friends who were trying desperately to get a hold of me. after making a few phone calls i got in touch with my grandma who informed me that my grandpa had had an aortic aneurism rupture and that he wasn't going to make it. i needed to get home right away in order to say goodbye. i was devistated to say the least. my grandpa is one of my favorite people in the whole world. i wasn't ready to say goodbye. as we drove home in silence, i heard this voice as clear as day. it said "your grandpa is going to live, he's going to become a Christian through it all, and you'll get to witness to nurses, doctors, and your family through it all" as soon as i heard that voice i knew it was the Lord and a peace that i can't even begin to explain washed over me. we made it home and i headed to the hospital right away. it was so strange to walk into a place of death, where everyone is waiting for it, knowing that only life will come from this. i could already see the Lord working. for one, my grandpa had been on his way to his first business trip ever. he'd never left the family before. he was just getting onto the shuttle at the airport when the rupture occured. had he been driving, he would have died, had he been in the plane, he would have died, had he been at home, he probably would have died, had he been alone in the hotel room, he would have died. pretty much the only place he could have been was right there. not only that, but he was also 10 minutes from the best hospital in wisconsin. when he arrived at the er, the doctor that was supposed to be on duty hadn't come it, so this other doctor who had just finished his shift decided to stick around and fill in... for the first time in 15 years. this doctor just happened to have spent the last several years researching aneurisms. he knew the second my grandpa was rolled into the er what was wrong with him, and he had him in surgery within 45 minutes. after giving him something like 72 units of blood and doing surgery, they put him in the icu and gave him 0% chance of survival. for the next 6 weeks we spent almost every day at the hospital with the family, waiting for something to happen. i tried to tell everyone that he was going to make it, but no one but my grandma really believed me. we put an angel pin on his gown and told the nurses and doctors we believed God was going to do a miracle. after 6 weeks of nothing, my grandpa suddenly woke up from his coma! although he had a long recovery process to go, this was more than any expected! suddenly, all the times that i said i believed God was going to heal him, seemed to make sense to people. the doctor put up a sign in my grandpa's room that said "i now believe God does miracles". he also made an order that the angel pin was not to be removed from my grandpa's gown. slowly but surely my grandpa got better every day. not only did he improve physically, but the Lord used this to heal his heart and bring him back into His family. apparently God isn't done with my grandpa yet, and i for one sure am glad.

did i really just learn to shoot a gun??

last night becca and i did the funniest thing, something i never thought i'd ever do. we learned to shoot guns. not just one gun, but lots of guns. we've been living in montana for about 2 weeks now, so it's about time we did something real montana like shoot guns. becca has this friend, caleb, who knows all about guns and loves to teach people. so last night after stopping at walmart to get clay pigeons, we headed out to this stretch of land called 17 miles. it's 17 miles of land reserved just for shooting. where do we live? there's a big rocky hill in the back, and you drive up, set up your targets or clay pigeon throwers, and then you shoot.


we started by getting everything out. it was fun playing around with the guns, but they weren't even loaded yet so i didn't feel nervous at all.


















we then started with the pistols. caleb patiently taught each one of us about how it works and how to hold it and then we got to shoot. they had placed a target a good ways out and we shot at it. kristina got oh within a mile of the target. then it was my turn. i was so nervous. honestly, guns make me really scared! and this was the first time i'd ever even held a loaded gun. but i calmed my nervous, locked my right elbow, closed one eye, and steadied my shaking hands. first shot was a little high. i then realized that i was looking out the wrong eye! so i quickly switched squinting eyes and shot again. hit the target dead on, three times in a row. those squirrels back in wisconsin had better watch out!





next we moved on to the rifles and ak-47s. this time we first had to learn how to hold them nice and tight into our shoulders. we also set up clay pigeons out in the field to shoot. caleb nominated me to go first. so i got the gun, figured it out, put it square into my shoulder and looked down at the farthest away clay pigeon. i pulled the trigger and the gun was so powerful i fell backwards into the truck. although my balance was off, my aim was right on. i hit that clay pigeon and blew it to kingdom come. after that we just had some fun as the darkness crawled in. we would take turns shooting the different guns and throwing the clay pigeons. i even got down in the trench to see what it's like in warfare. i don't think i was made for that kind of life. but it was fun for one night.

the start of something...

i find myself in a time of beginings and ends. i am starting some things while ending others. i figured a blog might be a good thing to start in the midst of so much transition. not sure if i'll let other people read this. not sure if this will just be for me yet, but i thought i'd give it a try. i tend to process life best in writing. writing is theraputic for me.
i have a feeling i'll be feeling rather alone here soon. maybe not alone as much as lost. so maybe having something consistent like a blog will help as i process.
i've also been told i tell the best stories and the craziest things happen to me. maybe if i document them, people will actually believe me.
here goes nothing.